Hello all, I know a second posting, how pathetic of me! Well, I have this stuck in my head and if I do not get it out, then I will forget and if I forget then I will be mad at myself and it goes on in this vicious cycle. So, enjoy the second chapter of my piece of crap writing aka The American!
Act Two: Soul Mates and Hates
Summary: Richie goes to the recording studio with Mr. Harmond to meet a band he is working with. Will this band help Richie find his soul mate or will they be too disgusted with the pampered American to even want to help at all?
Act Two: Soul Mates and Hates
Why did he have to wake up early again? He never had to wake up at seven to be at a fucking studio of all things! I regret to inform my dear readers that Richie is once more in a throw of rage and is near to a fit. He had not been given the option of showing up later by Mr. Harmond, yet his butler had and this was just one more sign of the oppression he had preached to his father before he left! How dare the old bag ignore the all-too-true warnings of the imminent end?
Just as he had finished this little mental rant, he soon was whisked out of his temporary residency and at the recording studio.
He had never felt more contempt for anyone in his life than he had for Mr. Harmond.
As he left the car (driven by Mr. Harmond's driver, mind you) he then went up to the older man with a scowl on his face. The nerve of the man! If he had gotten just six more hours of sleep then he would have gotten his recommended amount of beauty sleep!
"Richard, hi! So nice to see you over here in the UK! How was your flight?" Mr. Harmond asked cheerily.
Richie only let out a huff, "It was all good, you know before you had me wake up at seven in the fucking morning and my time so far could have been more enjoyable if I had more time to find my soul mate, but no, oh fucking no! I had to wake up! You sir, are an oppressor!"
Ah! Now Mr. Harmond was starting to regret this whole deal he had made with Mr. Bastardson.
"..Well, fine then Richard. Why don't I show you the band I am working with? We are finishing recording on a rather exciting record and I think you'll really like it. They're a bright bunch, these guys. You'll love them!"
As he was ya-king away, Richie could only feel himself slipping into self-wrought despair. It seemed he had no hope. How on earth was he to find his soul mate if he had to slave away inside this confining hell hole of a dungeon? How in heaven's name was he to explore this magnificent land if he was being held down by the life sucking power of Mr. Harmond?
Oh! His future wife, he could just feel her misery in the air!
"--Richie, this is where you and I will be working together!" was all he heard before he saw her. The woman of his dreams, the woman he had always wanted! She was stunning; bright blond hair (perfectly natural from what he could see) and stunning blue eyes. She was smaller than him, but that was fine: he had never liked them to be anywhere near as tall as him anyhow. As he stared over her, the love he could feel in his heart grew two sizes too big, much like the Grinch.
"Any questions Richie?"
This was all it took for Richie to immediately answer, "Yes, one and one only! Who is that?"
His finger was pointing to the stunning blond woman in the band. Mr. Harmond only chuckled before saying, "Do you want to meet the band?"
"Hell yes! God, you're finally getting me just now?! Fuck Mr. Harmond, you are so uncool and totally disconnected from reality, but I'll let slide by this time. Mess up again and I will put your wrinkly old ass face in it's place." he warned his new 'boss' as he opened the door and allowed the spoiled Californian into the room.
In the blink of an eye, Richie was with the band as they ceased playing a song and greedily eyeing the blond singer up and down. Oh fucking hell, he had to thank his father when he got home! They did not make them like this in Beverly Hills!
Mr. Harmond entered soon after Richie and told the band: "Hello guys, I want you to meet Richard Bastardson, my new assistant. He is here because his father wanted him into the real world outside of Beverly Hills. If he says or does anything strange, please shrug it off as him being ignorant to the entire world around him."
Mr. Harmond then turned to Richie and continued on with his little speech, "Richie, the one with the guitar is Graham, the one with the bass is Alex, the drummer is Dave, and the singer is Damon. Please, for the love, don't preach Californian oppression! Now, I will leave you to get better acquainted for a bit. I will be back in a few, I just need to call your father to let him know how you're doing."
"Tell the old fuck I'm fine and thank you for sending me here." This statement alone caused Graham to mentally cringe. Oh great. Just great, this is what they'll have to deal with now.
"Alright then, I will.. Have fun, Richie!"
This was the final warning to the band as the door closed and they were left alone with the worst thing to ever enter England.
Richie, however, was enthusiastic to meet them, especially the blond one. Oddly enough, it was Graham who first caught his critical Beverly Hill's eye as he stated out loud, "Holy fucking hell! What is Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds doing here? I did'nt know he could play guitar too!"
Now Richie could not help if he had an observational eye! Why, to him this was a compliment! Revenge of the Nerds was a good movie after all. Too bad Graham was absolutely offended at this.
"...I am not Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds." he said simply.
"Oh fucking god, you look like you could model for Calvin Klein or Chanel or Armani or even...Versace! Wow and here I thought all models were only good for standing looking pretty too!" he said to Alex. Now to Richie, this was a serious compliment! He really thought Alex was a supermodel. Just like how he really thought Graham was Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds.
Alex only let out a, "I'd like to think I do more than stand there and look pretty. My girlfriend will attest to this, I do have a brain, you know!"
Even this did not deter Richie from making even more comments as he soon turned to Dave, "Oh god! You're Poindexter from Revenge of the Nerds! What are you doing here, playing a drum? Aren't you supposed to be out there building robots and spying creepily on women getting in dorms getting dressed and undressed?"
Dave did not even enlighten this idiot with a response. He was really not in the mood to deal with such a headache like Richie.
Then Richie saw her, his dream girl..
"Hello there angel, might I say you have the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen." he said to the blond, hoping to god he'd get a positive response.
"..Richie, you are either a comedian or you're full of total, utter shit if you think I can ignore everything you just said."
Richie was not to be stopped, however, as he told the blond, "Mind telling me your name again? I was too distracted by your luscious beauty to really listen to that old fuck Harmond."
Damon was now convinced that Richie had to be the thickest person alive, "My name is Damon and I hope to god that not all Americans are as disrespectful as you appear to be so far."
Richie was immune to every and all negative comments thrown his way and he continued on rather than shutting up, "A man's name? ...Oh are you an androgynous girl? I forgot that's the hot thing over here for girl's in bands!"
The look on his face was hard to match as Richie went further with his accusation; "Tell me darling, what was your natural born woman name before you decided to change your name and start tricking yourself into thinking you're a man?"
Alex was laughing, Dave was in amazement at the stupidity of one man, and Graham was fuming.
"Richie, Damon really is not a woman. Please tell me you understand at least that much just by hearing him speak!" Dave interjected, Richie paid him no mind as he awaited an answer from his dream girl.
"I am not a woman, I do not have a natural born woman name and you have the definition of androgyny all wrong!"
Richie only laughed, "Ahaha! My dear, you are so funny and that's a great thing! I love a woman with a killer sense of humor!"
Damon once more attempted to reason with Richie, "Richard, please, for the love of god, pick up a dictionary and learn what androgyny really means. I am not a woman, I don't know where you got the idea from, but drop it."
The Californian was silent. Maybe, just maybe he had made a true break through to Richie..
All hope was lost on that issue when Richie laughed once more and said, "Alright love, I see how it is.. You're playing hard to get! Well just to let you know, I love a woman who's a challenge."
The seductive purr at the end of what he had just said only made Alex laugh, Dave give Richie a well deserved 'what the fuck' look, Graham sending him a death glare, and Damon left in disgust at the mere of Richie attempting to seduce him.
They were all saved when Mr. Harmond returned and sent Richie on an errand. One that would preferably take a few hours so he wouldn't have to deal with Richie's presence during the recording session.
Next time on The American!: Richie is sent on an errand for Mr. Harmond to get the best tea in all of England. Along the way, he meets a few people who are willing to give him tips and pointers on how to win over a English girl. Will they work on the supposed 'girl' he desires so much or will he just have to find new alternatives instead?
Final Word From Author: I hope you all are enjoying this so far and find it just as humorous as I do! I hope someone will read it and enjoy it! Sadly enough, there are more than likely, a lot of Richie's out there. Frightening thought there, huh? It's almost like a nightmare come true. Well, for anyone living with those types of people. Thank you for reading and enjoy, it's going to get better :)